There is a lesson I've learned and continue to learn concerning "helping."
Helping isn't always helping if you know what I mean. I like to be helpful. They will probably inscribe it on my tombstone when I'm dead. But sometimes I can be overly helpful I guess! I'm working on it- it's related to my "responsibility sickness" that I described in yesterday's post.
Sometimes helping is not very helpful- especially when it comes to emotional issues. Let me illustrate what I'm talking about. . . there have been times when someone has wanted me to intervene in some issue or problem in their life or in the life of the congregation. I'm not talking about run of the mill pastoral counsel or the seeking of a caring listening ear. I'm talking about a full on charge, "You need to do something about this!" (I wasn't aware that THIS was even a problem. . . hmm where have I been?) Rather than coming up with a solution the issue is placed in my lap- you solve it they say. Willingly I would take on that issue, after all I like people to be happy and comfortable. I would get all emotionally wrapped up in the issue-du-jour, try to motivate the masses to do something about it and I am thus met with either anger, silent apathy or blank stares. Apparently not every issue is an issue for EVERYONE like we sometimes hear that it is. Go figure.
How do we get caught up in other people's emotional energy? We offer advice. . . but then when it's not followed we take it personally. "Why'd you ask then?"
We go out of our way to solve an issue or wriggle our way into someone else's relationship. . . then they get upset with us!
We do all the worrying about the issue so that they don't have to! Suddenly they are free from the emotional struggle and we have taken it on- how did that happen?
Aha! There it is- that triangle that relieves tension for the other and shifts the focus onto a third party. It is emotional geometry at its finest!
In the church it could be issues and tension surrounding such things as:
* the budget
* the children's program
* the color of carpet
* introduction of a new liturgy
* death of an important member
* death of a child
* a building project
* change
* change
(or last but certainly not least)
* change
In families it might be:
* a child's grades
* a child's behavior
* work schedules that become overly burdensome (and leave emotional needs unmet)
* a relationship with an in-law
* a partner's hobbies that take up too much money, time, energy leaving little left for the other
* change, change, oh and change
Each of us is responsible only for our own thoughts and actions.
We are called to listen to one another and to comfort one another in our anxiety and grief, maybe even to help calm one another down. . . but, we are not called to solve all the problem's single-handedly. Even issues that seem practical in nature (budget, how well the church is cleaned, who is using the building, where your child was after dark, why he is failing science, etc.) can have an emotional component to them. How can we be more aware of the emotional atmosphere around us? And further, how can we manage our own anxiety when someone comes to us with a problem that they want us to solve?
I am not advocating here a complete default in place-- that blank stare given right back to them with a concomitant "Who me?? You want ME to do what?" Rather a discussion that allows the person to figure out a solution to the presenting problem. If that person chooses not to do anything about whatever they report is so extremely important then that has to be fine with us. . . we cannot control that. . . likewise it is not our responsibility to take over for them if it is not a concern for us. At some point we have to ask ourselves, "Why should I care more about this than you do?"
Even Jesus didn't solve everyone's problems. Sometimes he urged them to do things like "take up your mat and walk."
Image credit: propitchingonline.com
No comments:
Post a Comment