Responsibility

When is taking responsibility for something a bad thing?  You might scratch your head and wonder what kind of question is that?  Taking responsibility is a good thing, a wonderful asset, a terrific character trait!

 Well. . . sometimes if you are a raging overfunctioner like me. . . taking too much responsibility for things (and people) can be a burden and a detriment to relationships.  It hinders growth- not only our own but those we are in relationship with.  Plus it can drive you crazy!

There's a balance in any relationship between give and take, connection and distance.  When one person takes too much responsibility for another then the corresponding response is that the other person will pull back and simply let us do what we do best-- work or feel or worry or what-have-you so that they free from doing it themselves.  All of life is interconnected in this way!!

As a pastor, when I take too much responsibility for the mission of the church (which you might say is "my job") then I am robbing, yes robbing, the community of believers to get out there and use their God-given gifts and talents.  I am responsible for encouraging the faithful to a deeper discipleship.  I am responsible to share God's Word and Sacraments with the disciples.  I am called to serve and love.  I am not called to DO IT ALL.  That defeats the purpose of being church.

Likewise, when I take too much responsibility for every aspect of my kid's lives then they cannot grow up healthy, confident and competent.  If I do their homework for them when will they ever learn to write and do trigonometry?  If I fix all their meals and make their beds everyday when will they learn to be self-sufficient?

When I take too much responsibility in a club or on a team, then the rest of the group cannot rise to the proverbial occasion.  I hog all the glory in the name of "no one can do it quite as well as I can."

So then, some call it perfectionism.  I call it overly-responsible.  And it is not healthy all the time to DO everything.  So I'm learning how to delegate, how to not worry if something doesn't get done that wasn't my job, and to let things go when they need to be let go of. . . it's much calmer that way.  It's a learning process for me as you might imagine.  My hanging back might even spur someone in a relationship with me to step up to the plate.

Maybe you suffer from this sickness called "overfunctioning."  There is hope for us!  Sit back and relax once in awhile!  Contrary to what  your mother may have said to you, you don't have to be sooooo responsible!!

UPDATE: I wrote this nearly 5 years ago and I have made much progress! Though when I am stressed or anxious, I can tell you that I pick up this unhealthy way of functioning once again. I have learned to let go! A lot! I have learned that I am not responsible for other people's feelings, reactions, or relationships. I'm not responsible for getting things done that others fail to finish. I have learned to let it go and be willing to see what happens. It is freeing! We are only responsible for our own functioning and how we are in relationships. It's a life-long learning process, but as I said almost five years ago: There is hope for us!