Why Should I Care More About this Than You Do?

(This post goes with the previous one about responsibility and over-responsibility. . .)

There is a lesson I've learned and continue to learn concerning "helping."
Helping isn't always helping if you know what I mean.  I like to be helpful.  They will probably inscribe it on my tombstone when I'm dead.  But sometimes I can be overly helpful I guess!  I'm working on it- it's related to my "responsibility sickness" that I described in yesterday's post.

Sometimes helping is not very helpful- especially when it comes to emotional issues.  Let me illustrate what I'm talking about. . . there have been times when someone has wanted me to intervene in some issue or problem in their life or in the life of the congregation.  I'm not talking about run of the mill pastoral counsel or the seeking of a caring listening ear.  I'm talking about a full on charge, "You need to do something about this!"  (I wasn't aware that THIS was even a problem. . . hmm where have I been?)  Rather than coming up with a solution the issue is placed in my lap- you solve it they say.  Willingly I would take on that issue, after all I like people to be happy and comfortable.  I would get all emotionally wrapped up in the issue-du-jour, try to motivate the masses to do something about it and I am thus met with either anger, silent apathy or blank stares.  Apparently not every issue is an issue for EVERYONE like we sometimes hear that it is.  Go figure.

How do we get caught up in other people's emotional energy?  We offer advice. . . but then when it's not followed we take it personally.  "Why'd you ask then?"
We go out of our way to solve an issue or wriggle our way into someone else's relationship. . . then they get upset with us!
We do all the worrying about the issue so that they don't have to!  Suddenly they are free from the emotional struggle and we have taken it on- how did that happen?
Aha! There it is- that triangle that relieves tension for the other and shifts the focus onto a third party.  It is emotional geometry at its finest!  

In the church it could be issues and tension surrounding such things as:
* the budget
* the children's program
* the color of carpet
* introduction of a new liturgy
* death of an important member
* death of a child
* a building project
* change
* change
(or last but certainly not least)
* change

In families it might be:
* a child's grades
* a child's behavior
* work schedules that become overly burdensome (and leave emotional needs unmet)
* a relationship with an in-law
* a partner's hobbies that take up too much money, time, energy leaving little left for the other
* change, change, oh and change


Each of us is responsible only for our own thoughts and actions.
 We are called to listen to one another and to comfort one another in our anxiety and grief, maybe even to help calm one another down. . . but, we are not called to solve all the problem's single-handedly.  Even issues that seem practical in nature (budget, how well the church is cleaned, who is using the building, where your child was after dark, why he is failing science, etc.) can have an emotional component to them.  How can we be more aware of the emotional atmosphere around us?  And further, how can we manage our own anxiety when someone comes to us with a problem that they want us to solve?

I am not advocating here a complete default in place-- that blank stare given right back to them with a concomitant "Who me??  You want ME to do what?"  Rather a discussion that allows the person to figure out a solution to the presenting problem.  If that person chooses not to do anything about whatever they report is so extremely important then that has to be fine with us. . . we cannot control that. . . likewise it is not our responsibility to take over for them if it is not a concern for us.  At some point we have to ask ourselves, "Why should I care more about this than you do?"

Even Jesus didn't solve everyone's problems.  Sometimes he urged them to do things like "take up your mat and walk."

Image credit: propitchingonline.com

Responsibility

When is taking responsibility for something a bad thing?  You might scratch your head and wonder what kind of question is that?  Taking responsibility is a good thing, a wonderful asset, a terrific character trait!

 Well. . . sometimes if you are a raging overfunctioner like me. . . taking too much responsibility for things (and people) can be a burden and a detriment to relationships.  It hinders growth- not only our own but those we are in relationship with.  Plus it can drive you crazy!

There's a balance in any relationship between give and take, connection and distance.  When one person takes too much responsibility for another then the corresponding response is that the other person will pull back and simply let us do what we do best-- work or feel or worry or what-have-you so that they free from doing it themselves.  All of life is interconnected in this way!!

As a pastor, when I take too much responsibility for the mission of the church (which you might say is "my job") then I am robbing, yes robbing, the community of believers to get out there and use their God-given gifts and talents.  I am responsible for encouraging the faithful to a deeper discipleship.  I am responsible to share God's Word and Sacraments with the disciples.  I am called to serve and love.  I am not called to DO IT ALL.  That defeats the purpose of being church.

Likewise, when I take too much responsibility for every aspect of my kid's lives then they cannot grow up healthy, confident and competent.  If I do their homework for them when will they ever learn to write and do trigonometry?  If I fix all their meals and make their beds everyday when will they learn to be self-sufficient?

When I take too much responsibility in a club or on a team, then the rest of the group cannot rise to the proverbial occasion.  I hog all the glory in the name of "no one can do it quite as well as I can."

So then, some call it perfectionism.  I call it overly-responsible.  And it is not healthy all the time to DO everything.  So I'm learning how to delegate, how to not worry if something doesn't get done that wasn't my job, and to let things go when they need to be let go of. . . it's much calmer that way.  It's a learning process for me as you might imagine.  My hanging back might even spur someone in a relationship with me to step up to the plate.

Maybe you suffer from this sickness called "overfunctioning."  There is hope for us!  Sit back and relax once in awhile!  Contrary to what  your mother may have said to you, you don't have to be sooooo responsible!!

UPDATE: I wrote this nearly 5 years ago and I have made much progress! Though when I am stressed or anxious, I can tell you that I pick up this unhealthy way of functioning once again. I have learned to let go! A lot! I have learned that I am not responsible for other people's feelings, reactions, or relationships. I'm not responsible for getting things done that others fail to finish. I have learned to let it go and be willing to see what happens. It is freeing! We are only responsible for our own functioning and how we are in relationships. It's a life-long learning process, but as I said almost five years ago: There is hope for us!

"You Can Never Make Only One Change."

You Can Never Make Only One Change.  

Change here creates change there.-- Peter Steinke

Why is this such a surprise to us when something changes?  Shouldn't we expect that with one change comes another concomitant change?  Isaac Newton said it best, "For each and every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."  I am amazed over and over again how we fail to see each other's actions/reactions as a response to either our own or another's previous action.  We see it in families:  why are you acting that way?  (Because you said ______, or you did_______.)  We see it in the workplace, the neighborhood, and the church.  

Nothing happens in a vacuum. 

Reactions are most generally NOT random.  They are rooted in some experience that has shaped us even if for only the moment.  

The trouble with us sinful human beings is that we cannot see how our own actions affect the other.  We are too busy thinking about how we are being affected and what that means for our lives.  We get in the mode of thinking that everything is all about us. . . that "I" am all that matters.  So we react.  Then others react to our reactions.  And so goes the cycle without any thought about the action/reaction process that continues to plague us.  

What if we could settle down and sit with Christ for a bit?  What if we could close our eyes and sit still and offer it all to him who loves us most?  What if we could stop worrying about what we are missing out on, who's getting over on us, and focus instead on the peace that Christ gives us. . . the identity that is most important- how much we are loved by Jesus. . . how precious we are to our Savior.  

I know, I know. . . change causes anxiety!  I get that.  But change is a part of life, nothing stays static, not even if we white-knuckle it and try to force things to stay constant!  But dwelling on the pain of change doesn't propel us forward, it doesn't help us to grow or go deeper, it only holds us captive to something that no longer exists.  Our reality is that, as they say, the only constant in life is change.  Perhaps sitting with the One who never changes, who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, can provide us with the peace and security we long for.  

So, here's the thing:  when one change is made in your life- whether you willed it to happen or it happened to you- remember that more change is about to come.  That's not necessarily a bad thing; go with it, see what God might be up to.  Who knows?  There might be something really great about to happen!  Something life giving!  Something you never expected!  Something beyond your wildest imagination!  And don't worry about what everyone else thinks. . . they might change accordingly too.  (You can probably count on that!) All you need to know is that Christ is with you, he is your stability, your "constant" in an ever-changing world.  

Image credit:  seemslegit.com

The best things in life seem to be transient. . .

Why is it that the best things in life seem to come and go so quickly?  

I love spring flowers and budding trees!  But the beauty of them, striking as it is, lasts such a short time.  I want it to stay!  I want to see those flowers and smell that floral perfume drifting through the air every day. But we blink and it is gone for another season.  It rains and the water pulls the buds off and they lay on the grass until the mower comes out and whirrs them away.

Look at my lilac tree:

I wait all year to enjoy this sight!  Isn't it gorgeous??  

By next week it will be just a memory.

But it gives me hope in the middle of winter when I look out my back door and I see it's skeleton. . . I know it will bloom again and give a wonderful fragrance.  I know I will see it once more I simply have to be patient and wait for it. And when it's here and in full bloom, I need to take time to enjoy it fully, savoring every beautiful image of it that my eyes can behold, and I try to imprint it on memory-- the color, the smell, the height, the fullness.  This picture just doesn't do it justice!!

Sometimes it seems like that with our "experience" with God, doesn't it?  We cannot call an experience into being anytime we want to. . . it is Christ coming to us and he comes when he comes.  We cannot will it to happen- the noticing of his presence that is- though we know that he is ALWAYS present.  His presence seems transient, like a sweet smell that passes by our nostrils and then is gone when we try to identify it or locate its origin.  It is fleeting. . . mysterious. . . elusive.  

So what do we do with these transient moments of bliss?  I say we savor them; enjoy them when they present themselves; take stock of the goodness that is offered to us in the moment and try our best to imprint the impression on our memories.  Maybe the best things in life come and go but maybe that's so we appreciate them while they last and resist the urge to take them for granted.  

Courage in Christian Community

Who would ever think that to be a part of Christian community that it would actually take COURAGE?
Love, yes.
Patience, some days.
Perseverance, at times.
Integrity, always.
Forgiveness and understanding, you betcha.
But courage??

Courage is what the cowardly lion sought when he joined Dorothy on the yellow-brick road.  Turns out he had it all along and just didn't know it.

Courage is what it takes to face your fears head on. . . swallow hard, put your head down and DO IT!  Courage: doing something you may not really want to but deep down inside you know for certain as certain can ever be that it is something you need to do. . . you must do. . . you are called to do.  And it's not about you!  It's not about your own desires or wishes or what you think is best for you in the moment.  It's not about what might be in your best interests.  It is bigger than that.  And it takes guts!

Yes, sometimes in the church we need courage.  If you are thinking to yourself, "well that's the last place on earth that I would think I would need courage" then you haven't been in the church long enough!

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote about Christian Community in his book Life Together.  He wrote about the human desire to be together, that deep desire for true community.  But, he pointed out, there is a time when each of us experiences deep disillusionment with Christian community.  You've experienced that right?  A squabble about something unimportant, a power struggle amongst leaders, someone having a bad day and being a little on the snippy side with your kid.

Our disillusionment might make us want to run away.  Maybe you have run away from time to time. . . maybe you are still away and have vowed never to go back. . . maybe you are looking for a reason to try again. . . courage!

The thing is, we have to work past the disillusionment to get to the other side of things where true community exists.  The church is never perfect and it never will be, this side of heaven.  But once our eyes are opened to the sin that still exists in each other and in the church we can be moved to a deeper understanding of one another.  We can move toward forgiveness and reconciliation.  We can go deeper with Christ who will help us to see that "it's not about me."

Sometimes we may think that we will never understand each other. . . we may spend many moments scratching our heads wondering, "What was that all about??"  Our hope is that it will make us stronger, that we will be drawn closer to Christ, that we will be deeper involved with each other and with God, more committed to our collective life in Christ.  Our hope and prayer is that we will get to that place of true community where each person is looking out for the other and setting aside their own needs/wants/desires for the sake of the other.  Mutual love and compassion!

So let me just say:  I admire your courage!  I admire how you put aside your own well-being for the sake of comforting another.  I admire how you "take it on the chin" for the sake of the other.  I admire how you hang in there, faithfully, joyfully, through the pain and the tears out of Christian love. . . you inspire me!  Watching you live your life with such courage makes me hope that I can do the same.  Amen.



Disclaimer:  this posting is not to give the reader the idea that Christian community is anything less than joyful and wonderful and filled with love. . . however, there is a reality that exists where two or three are gathered.  You should know this and not expect perfection if and when you seek community.  God bless you!

10 Things I've Learned from Track and Field

Yesterday was our conference meet and it rained and rained and rained (all season it rained!) and it was 40 degrees!  I said to my partner-coach, Liz, "In 30 years of track and field I cannot ever remember a season this bad!"  She agreed.  Hard to believe that I've been either competing or coaching track and field, on and off, for almost 30 years!  Am I really that old??  So then, I'd like to share a few things I've learned over the years from this sport that I love and maybe they apply to life in general or the life of faith specifically.  Here goes. . .

1) Track and Field is a team sport.  You contribute to the team by doing your best at what you do best!  And you let others do their best at what they do best, you don't get your feelings hurt if someone is faster than you or can jump higher or throw farther. . . you let the ones who do the best get the job done and you continue to work hard and improve.  There is NO competition within the team that drags the team down; we work together to improve, supporting one another, cheering each other on, and picking each other up when someone trips and falls.
2) Sometimes the weather is not conducive to competition but you are there and so you must get your head into what you are there to do: run, jump, throw, hurdle!  This means you may have to high jump into a pit full of snow (did that several times) in shorts and a shirt; you may have to run with rain pelting your forehead (ditto), you may have sand sticking to your legs and up your shorts because the long jump pit is filled with wet, wet sand, it may be hotter than hot but still you go on. . . life is like that!  You take what you are given and you learn to adapt and deal with it.  You cannot just stop because you don't like the weather (or the situation, or the context, or whatever else bothers you in the moment.)  This is how we get stronger.  It's called "mental toughness!"  You pray to God for strength and you do what you have to do--- EVERYONE else has the same rain pelting their foreheads, EVERYONE else has the cold temperatures keeping their muscles from warming up. . . How will you deal with it?  That's the question?
3) Everyone now and then you might feel like crying.  You might be dead-dog-tired so you cry your tears and then you get on with things!  You may be frustrated, exhausted, alone, weary, unmotivated, sad, or some combination of these emotions. . . but at some point third call is going to come and you have to show up on the starting line and do your thing!
4) Winning really isn't the only thing.  Doing your very best is the only thing.  There is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS going to be someone who is better at this than you are!  But if you are improving each and every week, every meet, every day of your life then you are doing what God calls you do!  This life is a journey. . . with a little self-awareness we get better with age. . . there really are more important things than winning-- but winning isn't bad either!  :)  If you win, be a good sport about it.  Say congratulations and good job to those you beat.  If you lose, be a good sport about it, say congratulations and good job to those who beat you.
5) If you don't work hard in practice you will not magically improve when the gun goes off.  In other words, don't take the easy way out!!  Things that are worth having in life are not easily gained.  The reality is that as human beings we don't really cherish that which has come easy to us.  It is the struggle to get better, the struggle to achieve, the struggle to become the best that we can be that makes a qualitative difference in our lives.
6) Your coach cannot do it for you.  You have to do the work.  But the coach is there to help you be the best that you can be, even when it hurts.  Those workouts are meant for the athletes to get stronger, more mentally tough, more skilled at technique.  If you don't work out you will never get better!
As a pastor I think of myself as a spiritual coach for my congregation.  I can lead you in worship but I cannot worship for you.  I can show you how I see God's work in the world but you have to open your eyes to see it for yourself.  I can talk to you about the spiritual disciplines and practice them myself but you have to engage in them for yourself for them to help you grow deeper.  A good coach is a tremendous asset to your progress--- my college coach used to be the last one on the track with me as I worked on my high jump.  More about that next. . .
7) Every athlete is motivated in a different way.  So back to my coach from Ohio U. He used to get in my face when I was being lazy, just drifting over the high jump bar. He'd say "just jump the damn thing!!"  But he was always there for me!  One time I asked him, "How come you yell at me to get me to do what you want but you walk around with your arm around the other girls' shoulders talking to them?"  He replied, "Because I know you can handle it!"  Not everyone responds to the same kind of coaching!  Each person is an individual and responds to the relationship that exists between the athlete and the coach. . . it's the same in life.   What works for one person may not work for the next person.  A good leader will try to figure out what works with each person and how to get them to reach their full potential.
8)Sometimes the Coach knows more than you do about the BIG PICTURE.  I've learned this from being the coach; as an athlete I don't think I always "got it."  Sometimes athletes want to run what they want to run (or not run as the case may be) for a variety of reasons ("the mile is toooo long," "the 100 is toooo short,"  "the 400 is toooo hard,")  but the coach has a broader understanding of what is going on with the entire team, not just the individual.  Sometimes it has to do with timing, like which events are back to back.  Sometimes it has to do with another athlete who is injured and needs to be replaced.  Sometimes it has to do with work ethic, practice attendance, or sheer guts!  Trust the coach to know what's best not only for you but for the team as a WHOLE.
9) Filter out the noise that is not helpful.  There are lots of voices out there that will seek to grab your attention or distract you from your purpose.  Block them out!  Listen for your coach's voice and let the rest of the noise go unnoticed.  It doesn't matter what others say. . . the advice that other's give isn't always helpful and is sometimes contradictory to what your coach is teaching you.  It's the same way in faith- listen for the Good Shepherd.  He has your best interests at heart and will not lead you astray.  What others say or think about you is incidental to what God thinks about you!!  Obedience to the right voice is key so listen carefully.
10) Relax and have fun with it! My final point is that when we get too serious and forget to have fun it becomes a chore and we lose our love for the movement and competition.  Don't put too much pressure on yourself!!  That's not to say don't work hard. . . simply enjoy the moment.  When life becomes too serious we get stuck worrying about things we cannot control anyway.  When we fail to enjoy our surroundings and think "If I don't win I will just die," then everything within us tenses up and we lose our freedom to be at our best.  We "choke."  So in life, in faith, in sports, in work, in family. . . remember to play!  Playing frees us up to think better and clearer and to be more creative and productive when the time comes to get the job done.

Inner Strength

I am amazed sometimes at how much people have to deal with in life and just how gracefully they do it.  The amazement comes when I get a glimpse into their life, their REAL life, a life I never knew existed. . . not because it is kept secret but because they are working hard to manage it all with a happy face.  There are some real heroes around us!  We are surrounded by some very faithful, faithfilled, faithsoaked disciples who have way more to deal with than we could have ever imagined!  They do it quietly.  They don't gather everyone around them and spill their guts about it on a regular basis. . . they simply do what they have to do to take care of each other, take care of life, take care of the situation.  Amazing and wonderful and awe-inspiring to say the least.  To get a glimpse of their inner strength is a sight to behold.  

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2) 

Where does that inner strength come from?  How can we get some of that?  It cannot be picked up and bought from aisle four at Wal Mart.  It cannot be donated and re-purposed from a friend (though good friends are critical to this whole strength piece).  It comes from the God who walks with us. . . who journeys through life's ups and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows.  It is acquired over time.  It becomes a part of who we are as we fall at the foot of the cross, begging for mercy, forgiveness, strength, courage and an ability to trust in the One who loves us most.  

God says, "When you pass through the waters," not IF you pass through, but WHEN you pass through the waters, "I will be with you."  That's the promise plain and simple.  When you pass through the raging rivers with waters that will sweep you away and potentially drown you. . . God says "I will not let it happen!"  When you walk through the fire. .  the blazing, flaming, heat of destruction (but also refinement) I. . . Will. . . Be. . . With. . . You!!  Protecting you.  Loving you.  Carrying you if I have to!!

Cling to this promise. Believe it.  Hold it tight.  Thanks be to God!  Amen.

Image Credit:  Moses Parting the Red Sea by Marc Chagall